I wrote about figs recently and now people knock on my door with a bag of them or leave a pile on my doormat if I’m away. Sometimes what you put out there does come back to you.
I found myself troubled by actions and inactions of someone nearby that I felt left the vulnerable too vulnerable for no reason.
My chest was tight, my heart rate elevated and thumped hard, my jaw tight. I thought, oh I am angry. It surprised me.
I can’t save everyone and everything and this is depressing even though outlandish and a little silly.
With the situation at hand, which I am keeping vague on purpose, I did take action and speak up, rather than just being repressively appalled. Repressing words is sometimes the right thing to do and yet maybe it’s time to practice choosing the right words.
I attended a meeting and began to worry about speaking as if I was in a democracy, in which I could speak freely. I had to remind myself that I was not in a dictatorship so why worry about speaking my truth? What good is democracy if we don’t use it?
“My job is unconditional love. Everyone else’s job is to push my buttons.” - Byron Katie. Put it that way and now I get it for the morning. For the moment. I will string a few moments together and try to remember this. Having buttons pushed in uncomfortable ways is more manageable when it is looked at as part of the plan.
I start the day with cool morning air blowing through the house between the front and back doors.
This week we talked about being our authentic self, and what or who is that.
The conversation wasn’t linear because emotions and authenticity are not linear. Many things are capricious, which I looked up today because I don’t use this word often. I always got the feeling it was kind of negative. But I think a lot of things are moody and rather unpredictable. Sure in general things can be predictable but all the moving day-to-day parts can hold surprise.
Anyway, one side of our conversation went like this regarding the question of “am I my authentic self?”
She said:
“I don’t know what that means? I don’t know if I am my authentic self or not?”
“I’m terrified all the time but I am terrified to say so. I gotta be a big guy, a tough guy, but I’m super scared. You are right I am like a frightened horse at times and I like that you said that.”
“Thank you very much I am going to go home now, curl into a ball and cry. No, really, it’s exactly what I need to do!”
I re-dedicated myself today to appreciating the quality of aliveness - who is now alive and why it’s important to notice. There was some loss recently and not even my own but I felt it- so I’ve been having conversations with myself on how to move through it.
I finally got to a place of seeing who is alive in front of me and for a moment it was a cat and he looked right at me and I stared at him because you can do that in a way you may not always be able to with a human lest they wonder what you want. I just wanted to look at a spirit animating eyes and the rest of the body- and it was in the moment, spellbinding.
To be alive is capricious. It is non-linear with some predictable surprises and animated for a short time. To be authentic during this is worth checking out. I am drawn to those who dare to speak of it, even when it’s frightening.
Music: I Melt With You. Original version at start and remix in 2020 below!
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